i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
