You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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