Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
