Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Randomize
