u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Randomize
