The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
