I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Randomize
