Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Randomize
