Ambien. No doubt about it.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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