Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
My vagina just recognized that song.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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