Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
