mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize