When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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