I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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