just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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