i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Randomize
