remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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