I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
