idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
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