They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
