My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
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