I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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