were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Randomize
