The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
