I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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