So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
