I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Randomize
