After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
