i wish peter jackson would direct porn
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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