You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize