I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
