I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
