Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
i now understand why vodka
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
