I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
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