I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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