He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
