I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
