matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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