Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Her eyes are really red like she jus got out of the hospital and shes coughing ...80 ppl at her school do have swine flu dude
So your saying just a blow job?
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
