I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize