you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
And then my night got REAL pukey
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
