I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
