My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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