masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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