Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Randomize
