In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
