i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize
