my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize