it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
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