You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
