Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
