apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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