1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
