if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
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